Low Self-Esteem: The Ultimate Relationship Killer

You have to love yourself before loving someone else.

I was called the b-word, the c-word and just about every other derogatory term for a woman the English language has to offer by my boyfriend of a year. Our fights were usually the result of his moodiness, I just happened to be around when he needed someone to pick on. However, I was convinced his good qualities trumped his bad ones, and he’d get around to working out his issues…eventually. The truth was, I didn’t have the guts to dump him because I didn’t think I could do any better.

“Self-esteem plays a very important role on how you behave in a relationship and if you are suffering from it, then it is more likely to be the major cause of problems,” says Manage Your Life Now. When you have low self-esteem, you are more likely to settle for less in your relationship. “People with low self-esteem are apt to feel responsible for their partner's unhappiness, and unwittingly sabotage their relationship as a result,” says Kaja Perina of Psychology Today. I always took on the blame for all of the fights between my boyfriend and I, because I assumed fighting with someone was better than being alone. What I didn’t realize was that I was only giving in to the vicious cycle of pain that low self-esteem causes in a relationship.

On the VH1 show Tool Academy, a group of unhappy girlfriends, many of whom have been cheated on and verbally abused countless times hold fast to the belief that their boyfriends can reform. One of the guys mocks his girlfriend’s weight, and nearly all of them admit to flirting shamelessly with other girls. However, the girlfriends have enabled the guys’ bad behavior by giving them countless chances that they clearly don’t deserve. Like me, they seem to believe they can’t do any better.
Many people with low self-esteem feel they’d be nothing without their partner – even one who is deceitful or abusive. But you’re never going to be 100 percent happy in a relationship if you don’t break that cycle. “You have to believe that you are in a relationship with someone who cares about you and respects you enough to not hurt you,” says Girl Shrink. “And if you do happen to get hurt, you have to believe that it is not the end of the world.” Believe in yourself first, and a harmonious relationship will follow.